Elderly Hearts, Hard to Untangle
Caring for aging parents is more than a matter of daily routines or medical support—it’s a constant emotional and psychological balancing act. Esther’s father experienced a sharp decline in health due to emotional distress, while her mother grew increasingly despondent over his condition, leaving their children deeply concerned. Untangling these emotional knots became Esther’s daily struggle.
After a week in hospital, he was discharged. Esther recalls how the family focused intensely on getting him to eat, but overlooked another critical aspect of elderly care:
“He often refused food, so we kept calculating his calorie intake—but we forgot to ensure he was getting enough water. Two days after discharge, he was readmitted due to dehydration and panic attacks. He stayed nearly two weeks. When the hospital insisted on discharging him again, my brother felt it was no longer manageable at home.”
Her father was placed in a private care facility, costing over $6,000 a month. He passed away at the end of 2023, after 18 months in care. Esther vividly remembers his final days—his weight dropped from around 160 pounds to under 80.
“He couldn’t eat. His body slowly shut down. In the end, he passed away peacefully in his sleep.”
Looking back, Esther still feels regret over the family’s differing views on hospitalization.
“For me, the hardest part of being a caregiver was reaching consensus with my family. Everyone had a different perspective, but we were all coming from a place of love—just walking different paths. Thankfully, our family didn’t argue or blame each other. But because everyone cared, we had differing opinions.”
“Once, my mother and I raised our voices during a conversation. My father overheard and said, ‘Please don’t do this. It makes me sad. I feel like I’m burdening you.’ That moment broke my heart.”
After her father’s passing, Esther’s mother appeared strong—numbing herself with television each day—but buried her grief deep inside. In August, she suffered a sudden and severe intestinal bleed. Doctors suspected colon cancer and performed surgery within three days. She is now in recovery. Esther believes her mother’s illness is linked to years of suppressed sorrow.
“She kept pretending everything was fine, but it was exhausting for her.”
Her mother is strong-willed and holds traditional views. She dislikes being cared for and once said, “I won’t let anyone take care of me—I’d rather die.” This deeply worried Esther. Fortunately, after surgery, her mother accepted help, which brought Esther immense relief.
“If she hadn’t let me care for her, it would have been a huge emotional blow.”
Her mother also harbors unresolved feelings—resenting the fact that she lives with her daughter instead of her son. Esther feels helpless in the face of this and can only pray for divine guidance.
“Elderly people have many emotional hurdles to overcome.”
Long-term care is never an easy road, but Esther is committed to walking it to the end.
“My mother endured so much hardship raising us. Caring for family inevitably involves messiness—urine, feces, all of it. Wasn’t it the same when we were little?
Many people care for their pets like they’re children—taking them out daily and picking up after them. If we can make that kind of commitment to pets, why not to our own parents?”
Shirley Chan
